Sunday, March 7, 2010


It rained the entire week after you died. I wondered if God was crying with us, but how could he be when he has you? So maybe it was his way of giving us a mourning period. A way of which we could feel in a sense that the world was grieving with us, that it had also suffered a great loss and in doing so realize we were still here. Still connected, still on earth and apparently still living. So that the grey skies matched our grey moods, the thunder matched the aching of our hearts, the lightning matched the insane injustice we felt and the rain matched our tears. And then when the sun came out the following week, maybe some of the pain and the bitterness could be seen to have washed away. And when everything dried up we would find the world was still spinning with us on it and this sorrow we felt wouldn’t always consume our lives.

Grief is like a rock thrown into water. It pulls those hit by it down to the bottom but it also causes ripples that spread out across the surrounding. That’s what it’s like for me...I’m the one getting hit by the ripple. I see her breaking under all this pain and there is nothing I can do about it. There are no words I can say that will ease it, nothing I can do that will stop her hurting. It’s like she’s out in the middle of the ocean in the midst of this huge storm and she has no idea how to sail the boat. And I’m standing on the edge of the shore watching her, but I can’t shout out instructions to her because she can’t hear me...and I don’t know how to steer just as much as she doesn’t. So I just stand there with my eyes fixed on her because I feel like the moment I blink she’s going to capsize. I can’t do anything. I’m no help at all.

I think in these situations you’re supposed to believe that they have the strength to get through it. And she’s the strongest person I know. So I guess all I can do is believe that. Believe it with everything I have. And let her know that I believe that. Because maybe she’s forgotten that, or maybe she’s questioning that and your belief and your faith is going to be the lighthouse that shines through the storm clouds and illuminates the path through this.

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